Banging Denmark by Van Badham

Author:Van Badham
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781742244624
Publisher: NewSouth Publishing

SCENE FIVE

In which JAKE NEWHOUSE reverts to what he knows, and finds the experience somewhat jejune.

JAKE’s house. JAKE frantically trying to hook himself into his headphones and do his live internet radio show.

CAPTAINASS: I have no problem with the opposite sex, I love women, I love being friends with women, but women are bitches. Are you listening?

JAKE: Caller, this is Santa Claus … Is Coming – a live podcast recording and you’re on the air.

CAPTAINASS: I just get fucking friendzoned, man. These filthy, disease-ridden ho’s are exploiting my good nature. I’m a nice guy and not a single one of them will suck my cock.

JAKE: CaptainAss, your name is?

CAPTAINASS: In all caps, CAPTAINASS. I used to call into to this show as ‘LonelyGamer93000’, but I’m CAPTAINASS now.

JAKE: You have stumbled on to a powerful truth, my friend: yes, women are bitches. They will squeeze the nice guy like a melon and they will fuck a jerk in the pulp left behind. I can tell you this; I’ve been the melon, and I’ve been the jerk – but I didn’t get to be the jerk until I stopped letting myself be the melon. She’s not escalating her relationship with you, because she likes your relationship the way it is – where you’ve agreed to have your mind remote-controlled by her vagina.

CAPTAINASS: I do think about her vagina a lot, yeah –

JAKE: And you want to learn from me exactly how to make someone who treats you like a dog beg for your attention like a bitch in heat.

You want that?

CAPTAINASS: Oh, yeah!

JAKE: You want your guru, me, your hero, me the master pork-swordsman, the man who stands atop moot-mountain, you want me to open my riches of fuck, my empire of bang, to you? Yeah?

Fuck it, let’s have a giveaway today. Let’s offer you some merchandise for free, ASS. Would you like that, ASS? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

When she’s so desperate for your withheld attention she suggests that you meet, you say yes –

CAPTAINASS: Yes!

JAKE: You say, you can get some dinner – but you’re real busy now. Maybe she should come by your house to pick you up. If she says yes, you’ve just struck a nail through her first paw.

As JAKE tells this story, ANNE appears in her own apartment. She is shoeless, in a robe and drinking a half-glass of wine. JAKE watches her.

ANNE: This scene takes place without you, Jake. You are not invited. You cannot come in.

JAKE: She gets there – answer the door in a robe, half glass of wine in your hand. Explain you’re just finishing an email, would she like to come in?

A yes to coming in, and you’ve just struck your second nail – because she wants to be there, in your space, with you. Now, tell her you rock your apartment Scandinavian-style; please, would she take off her shoes?

If those shoes come off, that’s the third paw down – because she’s already taking some clothes off for you. See where this is going?

You offer her a wine.

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